The day after Thanksgiving, 2016. The coffee is piping hot, the laundry room is toasty from the two loads of clothes I managed to get done before eight a.m., and I, as usual, am sitting around lost in thought.
How do I get around my own cynicism? How do I go from a lifetime of bad relationships, and the lessons I’ve learned from them, to being the type of person who is open-minded, nonjudgmental, and remains calm, and stress free, even when she sees things are as backward, and as twisted, as a washed too many times under wire bra?
I’m serious. This has been the truest test of my faith to date: people doing stuff that is just down right unacceptable, especially when they are in my life, and I’ve told them what’s acceptable, and what is not, to be in my life, and them doing it anyway because they know I’m trying to do right, and they feel I won’t respond the way I used to.
Forgive 70 x7…But, what happens after you’ve forgiven the same violation 490 times(not that I’ve been counting)? When is it time to let go? I mean, after a while, you start to forgive yourself for being a cynic, and you start to accept the idea that it wasn’t cynicism that was nudging you to not involve yourself with a certain person, but rather gut instinct trying to keep you from making yet another mistake.
There’s no ignoring the concept of forgiving over and over again as a Christian because we have just enough faith to believe that that is what our father, God, does for us. A lot of us have asked for forgiveness for the same offenses for years: our short tempers, our bad mouths, our telling of little white lies. And, we accepted that forgiveness as if it was a birthright. But, and this is for those of us who have not yet found a suitable mate, when dealing with the opposite sex, why is it so hard to forgive a person who does not follow the simple rules that you have lain before them as a blueprint for dating you? And, why is it so easy to come to the conclusion that “I don’t have to put up with this mess right here”?
I keep asking myself ” Am I expecting too much? Am I being way too petty, and particular about things? Am I too complicated? ” And, this is the line, I think. This is where the line between Christianity, and fanaticism gets totally blurred. Some decisions are unique to an individual, and God has nothing to with it. We unconsciously remove God from the places where He should have rule, and try to place Him into stuff that amounts to nothing more than some bad decision that we’ve made for ourselves. And, when that thing goes bad, when that relationship goes all the way left, we concede: “Lord, order my steps. Give me a sign to let me know whether I should continue this, or let it go. Give me strength, Lord!”
But, did you pray that diligently before hand? Was God at the forefront? Or were you just lonely, and looking? A lot of times being in the wrong state of mind wil get you jacked up. Not staying prayerful, or better yet, not being patient enough to wait on an answer from the Lord, will have you looking, and feeling real silly. Like, you know what you want in a mate: companionship, love, trust, compatibilities. Yet, you saw traits to the contrary early on, and you didn’t cut it off immediately. Why not?
A test of my faith. I am truly of the mind that everything happens for a reason; everyone that we come in contact with we come in contact with for a reason. Whether it’s to add to our lives, or take away from our lives, is always evident. And then, there’s cynicism…that little negative voice that tells you to be doubtful. But, being negative does not mean that you are wrong. Talk to God about it, pray about it all you want to. But understand this..At the end of every prayer you‘ll be locked into whatever decision you make. So, maybe getting around the cynicism is not the answer. Maybe giving into it, at least part of the time, will serve your purposes well.
Until our next cup;