There’s a quiet feel to the night. I’m home. The little machine I use to create atmosphere sounds like light rain, ocean breeze, and singing whales. The room is scented with spring Lillie’s, thanks to a scented candle I got for Christmas last year. And, I’m up, wide awake, thinking about relationships.
In a perplexed state, I slide around the house in my Green Bay Packer logoed house shoes, my night shirt, the brightest yellow, a perfect match. It’s always been this way; men, and the way they handle situations, at least with me, keeping me in a constant state of flux. I just cannot figure it out.
I tell them “I’m the kind of woman that pays attention to everything. You can say something today, and I’ll remember it, word for word, twenty years from now”. And, they’ll try me, letting a lie roll off their lips like loose marbles, every, single time. It never fails. Then, I’ll sit there, looking at them with a straight face, waiting to see just how long they can hold on to the story; how long they’re going to lie to me.
I shuffle back to my bedroom, climb up in my king sized bed, and sit back, and think about the relationships I’ve been in. It’s like one long gag reel, generating an honest belly laugh. I don’t get those often. But tonight, the jokes in my head are real. I can’t believe some of the guy’s I’ve dated!
One guy, a few years back, was expecting me to purchase for him a fully loaded, BMW 7 series. Mind you, I was going to work by bus myself, with three children in the home, and he expected me to break ranks, and put him ahead of us. Now, the whole time he’s expecting this luxurious gift, he’s also blatantly lying to me about another woman he is seeing. But, of course, he had no clue that I was aware of that. I played dumb as a can of sardines. He felt powerful; manly. Who was I to strip him of that?
A couple of weeks before Christmas, he had the dealer call me about a previously owned vehicle he had picked out.
“Why don’t you come on in, we can get the papers all signed up, and we can have your guy rollin’ by Christmas morning!”
The dealer was as excited as the guy was! Now, to this day, I don’t know who either of them thought I was, but trick no good. However, I wasn’t ready for them to know that at the time. So, I gave a quick reply.
“Sure thing” I said with a sideways grin. “Soon as I can, I’ll be right there.”
I never showed up.
That Christmas morning, he woke up, a smile slathered across his face, and with a swoosh he peeked through the plastic slacks of the white mini-blinds that covered the living room window.
“Where’s my car?”he said with a gurgle in his voice.
His face actually showed surprise! He was so mad you could’ve melted a spork on his head!
“Listen, Guy, I’m a single mother of three” I muzzled the laughter as best I could. “Did you really think I would buy you a BMW, or even a Schwinn bicycle, and I’m catching the RTA?”
Angry, I mean truly angry, he grabbed his gear, his work clothes, his boots, the keys to his big rig, and stormed out of my home. The kids, and I got a wonderful laugh as he caused himself a nice fall on the ice in the parking lot during his hastened exit. How dumb can a person be?
I think about that, and I laugh. I’ve come so far since then. I wouldn’t stretch it out now. I’d give a guy a nice “Bye, Lance” if he even thought to ask me something stupid like that these days, even if I could afford it, unless it is my husband. My husband…that’s what’s got me thinking tonight. Will I ever have enough faith to say the big “Yes”?
I’ve elevated my mind, got a little more educated about myself, my life, my soul. I know what I want. And, it ain’t to be lied to about a question as simple as ” How was your day?”. I allowed myself to be more open minded, and stopped seeking one specific type of man, you know, tall, caramel, handsome, and thuggish. I’ve learned that type of guy, requires a certain type of woman: very patient! I started talking to men as if they are people, not conquests. I’m not innocent, I’ve done my dirt too. I had gotten to the place where I started treating people, men especially, the way I felt they were treating me. I became a player. You hang with players long enough, you learn how to play the game.
But, I don’t want to play any more. I am on the path to righteousness, and I want a guy who knows how to pray, honor, and trust. I deserve that, I’ve paid my dues. It’s not about what he looks like anymore, it’s about who he is, and what God he serves. It’s about how he communicates with me. But, the lies keep coming. I keep watching, and listening, and I just can’t find a reason to commit.
The house feels lonely. But, I’m not alone, God’s here. I feel Him with every movement of my body; every breath I breathe. And, the sound machine may be all abuzz, but I’m at peace. I’ve had enough bad relationships to last me a lifetime. Mr. Right Now is not an option for me. So, if I can’t have Mr. Honest, Truthful, I’m Full of Prayer, and I’ll love you for the rest of my days Guy, I’ll just remain Mrs. All By Myself. I am too old for the foolishness, too kind for the mal- treatment, and too smart for the games. Still, I’ll never give up on true love. Ever. It’ll happen, if only in my dreams.